


Utopias Are Hell

by thealexandriaarchives



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-10
Updated: 2012-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-30 21:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealexandriaarchives/pseuds/thealexandriaarchives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And so, that is how the Doctor found himself sprinting the length of an American Football field through the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, chased by a mob of religious fundamentalists led by the descendant of the Captain of the Mary Celeste, a Geisha and a particularly annoyed Zulu warrior."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Utopias Are Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seagullsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seagullsong/gifts).



Deep within the inner hallways of a little blue box, floating in the vast, mind bogglingly big region of space between the Medusa Cascade and the unknowingly ironic Optimus Prime, a free floating planetoid covered entirely by the robot factories of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, a tall, thin man in a striped suit was conducting repairs.

“There now,” he said, clipping the last of the coral overgrowth that had covered a control panel “Maybe that’ll teach you to eat too much next time. Could I please get some hot water now?”

The replying hum was defiantly annoyed, with just a twinge of guilt.

“Hello now. What’s this?”

A little further down the corridor, a panel in the wall hung ajar, light emanating from the edges.

As he approached it, the lights suddenly began to flicker and the TARDIS’s ever present vibrations increased in frequency and urgency by several levels.

"Whoa, whoa girl,” the Doctor paused, to stroke the beam next to him. “Calm down now, yeah? What’s wrong?”

There was no response, just the continuous anxious hum.

Frowning slightly, he started towards the crooked panel again, but before he had taken the first step the hallway shook and moved around him, sending him keeling over backwards and knocking the air from his lungs.

Managing to sit up, he saw the hallway expand and grow, putting more distance between him and the panel.

“Oi!” He coughed, “Stop that! D’you hear? Stop that right now!”

With what sounded suspiciously like a grumble, the hallway solidified and became stationary again, if a bit slower than technically necessary.

Annoyed, the Doctor pulled himself to his feet and started marching in the direction of the panel, now a good part of a mile away, light barely visible in the distance, not-quite-yelling the whole time.

“What was that about, eh? I just wanted to check it out. Can’t be dangerous, you would have told me. …Wouldn’t you? Blimey, I can’t even rely on my own ship anymore!

The TARDIS raised a slight protest, but eventually settled into silence as the Doctor finally reached his destination.

After scanning the offending section of wall with the sonic screwdriver, (from a relatively safe distance…just in case), he approached and felt around.

“I think…there’s something behind here…If I could just…”

The panel came free, and pushing it to the side, he stopped and stared at what lay behind it.

“What?”

A gigantic room, easily five hundred feet from floor to ceiling and a good mile in length and depth, brightly illuminated, and with the same sloping arches that covered the rest of the Tardis lay beyond the small doorway he had created.

But of course, that wasn’t the odd thing.

The odd thing was that this cavernous room was functioning as a bustling town square.

“What?”

As he watched, he saw at least two hundred people milling around, lounging on park benches in front of a giant fountain, a 1/10th reproduction of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon…

“What?!”

Climbing through into the bizarre scene before him, the Doctor wandered around in astonishment.

There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the population. Here was a couple in Victorian dress walking hand and hand eating ice cream, a Roman legionnaire reading a newspaper, there an…was that an Argolin?

He was abruptly brought out of his daze when something flew by within an inch of head at an alarming speed. He was then swarmed by a herd of half a dozen children, running after their anti-grav boomerang. Some of them looked suspiciously like…

“Jack?!”

A grinning Jack Harkness, clothed in a Greek toga, bouncing a baby on his hip strode up to the Doctor.

“Kids, watch where you’re throwing that thing!!”

He turned to the dumbfounded Time Lord beside him.

 “Hey Doc. Can’t talk, Timelines. Toshiko! Don’t hit your brother!! Ianto, stop her, will you?”

He walked off, leaving the man beside him to stare.

“You’re new, aren’t you.”  
  
The Doctor spun to see a bearded man in his forties smiling pleasantly at him. The man nodded at Jack, now passing the baby off to an older daughter.

“You’ll get no luck with that one. Family man. Straight as an arrow and head over heels in love.”

This forced the Doctor’s wordless sputtering back into words.

“What?! Him!?”

“I know. Crying shame, really. I’m Benjamin, and once more, you’re new, aren’t you.”

Tearing his eyes away from the sight of Jack Harkness wiping his son’s nose, the Doctor grinned guiltily.  
  
“That easy to tell, eh?”   
  
“Newcomers are usually pretty obvious. Come into my shop, It’s a bit less mad in there.”

Crossing the edge of the square, the man led him through a door labeled ‘Briggs & Sons Clothing and General Store’.

“Benjamin Briggs,” the Doctor muttered to himself. “Where do I know that-“

Through the door another massive room opened up, full of rows upon rows of clothing and piles of swords and hats.

“My wardrobe!! My second wardrobe! I’ve been looking for this for years!!”

Benjamin looked at him curiously. “Are you all right? I must say, you’re taking this rather well. Most newcomers break down before this point.”

“Newcomers? Who are you people? How did you get here?!”

The shopkeeper laughed and held out his hands, for him to stop. “I know there’s a thousand questions, but everyone here is taught the speech for newcomers, and I’m sure it’ll answer most of your questions, all right?”

Gesturing to a 17th century French sofa the Doctor was sure he had had in his bedroom before it went missing, the pair took a seat, and Benjamin began to talk.

“The first thing to reassure newcomers of is that they’re not mad, and they’re not dead. None of us know how we got here, we all just arrived the same way you did, in a flash of light.”

The Doctor frowned slightly, but let him continue.

“My family was among the first to arrive, at least 200 generations ago.”

“200 Generations?!”

“A little more than a thousand years. We’re not quite sure…time’s a bit odd here, but I’ll get to that in a minute. My ancestor, his wife and daughter, and many of his crew were among the pioneers of this place. His name was Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs, and he was-“

“The Captain of the Mary Celeste!! You’re telling me the crew of the Mary Celeste are all here?!”

“Oh, you’ve heard of him?” The man seemed quite pleased. "A few people have. Apparently when he and the crew came here the ship was abandoned. I take it you’re from Earth then?”

“So that’s what happened to the Mary Celeste? The crew were all brought here?!” To the empty room around them he shouted, “You’ve been kidnapping people behind my back for a millennia?!”

‘Hypocrite.’ The walls answered. ‘Listen.’

“Are you talking to your God?” Benjamin asked curiously. “And we weren’t kidnapped. We were saved.”

“What do you mean?” The Doctor scowled and nearly shouted, slightly annoyed by the zen smile he received from the man beside him.

“The Mary Celeste was attacked. By vicious metal beasts. They killed several of the crew and forced the rest overboard. We would have all died, but suddenly the survivors found themselves here.”

“And where do you think ‘here’ is, exactly?”

Benjamin laughed and shrugged. “Some call it Utopia."

“I hate that name.”

He smiled.

“So do I. But I have to admit, it is rather accurate. The perfect place. Rooms like this one, are all around the square. There are gardens and orchards and libraries and storerooms, all of which replenish themselves through the goodness of the Mother. All languages are understood here-”

“The what? And all these people were just, plucked out of their lives? All over time and space?”

“You learn quickly. Yes, all here were chosen by the Mother to be worthy to live and prosper in this place. They arrive continuously, from all periods of time. Some are even from other worlds, but we have learned to accept them.”

The door to the ‘shop’ opened, and young woman in a sparkling silver catsuit that the Doctor swore he recognized walked in.

“Benjamin, dear…Oh.” She stopped.

“Kiah, dear. This is our latest newcomer… Mr…”

“Doctor. Doctor John Smith.”

Kiah looked at him. “He doesn’t know yet, does he?”

“No, not yet. I was just explaining everything to him. He’s taken it very well.” Benjamin pulled Kiah around to the front of the sofa. The Doctor rose to greet her. “Mr. Smith, this is Kiah, my companion.”

“Your  _what_?”

“Here one does not have a lover or a wife, but a companion through life. It is all from the Mother,” Kiah spoke again in her quiet, dulcet tones.

Benjamin looked at her proudly. “Kiah is an acolyte. She is almost a Doctor’s companion.”

“What?”

Kiah looked at him kindly.

“Perhaps, Mr. Smith, it is time we introduced you to our religion.”

*************

“What.”

The Doctor stood in the heart of ‘City Square’, staring at a hologram statue…of himself.

Kiah was still babbling away calmly in his ear.

“The Doctor is the lover of the Mother, who is in all we see around us, and provides for us. He has changed his appearance several times throughout the centuries, so we believe it is merely the title of the Mother’s favorite of the time. Therefore, the title of ‘Doctor’ is only given to those who garner the highest respect in our society, the village elder, in a way, and it is he who-“

She suddenly stopped and looked at the statue.

“It cannot be.” She stepped back, quickly. “It cannot be!”

She suddenly turned and ran, screaming, “Doctor! Doctor!!”

“Oh, bloody hell.” The Doctor sighed. “This is going to be awkward.”

He glanced up at the ceiling.

“You’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do.”

There was no reply.

He then realized there was group forming around him, but they didn’t seem especially reverent. More…mob-like. Wonderful.

“Somebody fetch the Doctor!”

“He’s coming.”

The crowd suddenly quieted and parted as a nervous Kiah led an elderly man supporting himself on her arm, weighed down by an enormous…

“Oh, that’s just not fair!” The Doctor exclaimed. “I liked that scarf, and now you’ve gone and let some crazy cult leader steal it, ‘Mother’!”

He was immediately shushed by the surrounding crowd, with a few cries of ‘Heretic’ thrown in.

The ‘Doctor’ approached and stopped to look him up and down, before turning and whispering into Kiah’s ear.

She cleared her throat and announced to the eager crowd. “This man is a fraud and a heretic. The Doctor has ordered his execution.”

“Well, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear,” The Time Lord muttered. “Nor did I particularly want to.”

The crowd was forced to disperse as his arms were grabbed, one by a Mongolian and the other by…

“Just keep quiet. I’ll get you out of this.”

“Jack?”

“That’s not my name anymore. I’m a changed man now.”

The Doctor grinned.

“You must be. You haven’t even tried to grope me once.”

They’d navigated away from the crowd, back towards the wall where the Doctor had entered.

“Won’t someone notice?”

“Nah. I’m a pillar of the community. Been here for centuries. …Never mind. As for Gheran here, he’s an atheist against capital punishment.”

“Really?”

The Doctor turned his head to view his other captor.

“He doesn’t speak anymore. Had a bit of a disagreement with Genghis Khan… lost his tongue.”

“Ooh. I’m sorry. Thanks for giving me a hand…”

“Where’re you going?”

Jack swore quietly, before turning to face the voice.

“Benjamin! We were just taking the heretic to the prison to await his trial.”

Benjamin frowned. “You know full well the prison is by the Squash courts. Where were you really taking him?”

“Ah,” Jack grinned cheekily, letting go of the Doctor’s arm, “Well, actually…RUN!!”

And so, that is how the Doctor found himself sprinting the length of an American Football field through the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, chased by a mob of religious fundamentalists led by the descendant of the Captain of the Mary Celeste, a Geisha and a particularly annoyed Zulu warrior.

Heaving himself through the hole in the cavern wall, he pulled the missing section of wall back into position, ducking to avoid the spear hurled through the gap, and screwed it back into position seconds before the shouting and banging began.

Collapsing to the floor of the hallway and panting, he ignored the Tardis’s panicked attempts to apologize and assure herself of his safety.

“I really hate Utopias.”

Getting to his feet, he headed for the console room.

If the Tardis had other secrets she was welcome to keep them.


End file.
